Past Paranoias And Dealing With Them

I've been reading Thomas Pynchon's books these couple of days. And now have better control of my paranoia, that unerving fear that people are hating me for thing that i know but they don't know but I seem so relaxed about it.
This pananoia i had since i was in primary school, having a lomographic memory, almost accurate if not for the embelishments made by my own imaginations. that weakness that smart people get; that you don't what other people are thinking. leading to people assuming that you think that they are stupid when all you are thinking about is "what are other people thinking?".
Then when in my secondary school i was getting surpassed by my classmates who were not burdened with my own neuroses. then when at the supposed finishing line of that period of education, i gave up and broke down my own confidence till it becomes not a wall but a ditch, so I may fall into it when cornered. Graduating from secondary school, last in my class of 40. I have this feeling that I'm to my classmates too dumb/inappropriate/unintellectual/stupid/lazy too be among their select 39 brains and that the second class wouldn't want me among themselves for i'd be too smart for them, this i realize due to reading Thomas Pynchon's books the same paranoia/neuroses and egostistical thing i would make up for what happened when all you wonder about is "what is on other people's mind concerning me?"
Then i college, I had been infected with the feeling that my own altruism is a handicap. That punk culture is dumb but yearning for anarchy of systems and idealogies, even as what I was studying then was Information Systems/Theory/Applications and being good with it. What's this? A discord between gifts and desire? HAHAHA!